Promise and B'li neder

On aim I asked my friend about a wedding I didn't attend because I was on vacation. I asked her how it went, how the bride looked, if the groom was cute and so on. She replied:

I have pics from her wedding, I will send them to you. B'li neder

I said: You're so frummy, "bli neder" haha

She says: I was making a promise, what if I break it?


So I went on with an argument on how she should've taken a philsophy of language course. If one doesn't say "I promise" in a culture with a language that requires one to say "I promise" she therefore, did not make the promise.

Like when little kids fight. One little kid says to the other "But you said you'd share your candy"

And the other kid (usually older) replies "I know, but I never promised"

This is the perfect example of what I'm talking about. While the "I never promised" doesn't usually get the snotty kid off the hook by a parent or guardian, the lack of "I promise" definitly did give him some leeway. Had he promised, the kid would've (in my experience) gotten in more trouble.

So my friend replied "But this is how I learned it, and I'm sticking to that"

So I said to her, "Fine, but these things are relative to language and culture. IF you never said 'I promise' and I were to take you to court, I'd get nothing, because that 'I promise' means something. Without it, I've got no case...

Also, just like you cannot use third person to refer to a Rav or teacher, since it is grammatically incorrect, and you'd have to find a different means of showing respect, you cannot assume someone promised without them actually promising. Maybe there is something in Hebrew or Aramaic that implies a promise that we do not know about, but in the English language, as well as in the American culture, one needs the "I promise" to actually imply a promise. I bet the beis din would throw something out if its without promise."

So she replies (good reply, but indirectly proved my point, not hers) "The beis din would throw everything out without a contract."

Me: "LOL, duh. a contract is a promise."

Anyway. She signed off. But it got me thinking, what is a promise? I mean, if I told my sister I will give her $50 tomorrow and I do not, I lied. And it might just be me, but I feel that somehow it is worse, and more than just a lie if I actually say "I promise I'll give you $50 tomorrow" and do not.

But then it goes to the question of (I forgot who asked) on whether or not a promise is a promise if the person giving it had no intention to hold it. So if I promise my sister I'll giver her $50 tomorrow, even though I have no desire to actually do so, am I still promising? According to some philosophers, its based on society, while others say its the law of the language (which I don't get since language is a convention of soceity). Anyway. I think my friend is totally wack. And I hold firmly to not saying "b'li neder" because its so annoying.

Learners complain about fathers-in-law

The following is a letter from two learners in Lakewood complaining about their father-in-laws. After the letter will be my response to them:


Dear Editor,

Why do I have to feel like I am being fahered every time I go to my shver's house in Brooklyn? I understand that he gives us money each month and we appreciate that very much. But does that mean that I have to be subject to questions about what I'm learning and pressured to say vertlack on the parsha every time we visit?

My in-laws are very nice people. They shower my wife, 5 children and me with gifts, they bought us a car, among other things, and graciously give us a monthly check to keep us afloat. Is that the reason that my father-in-law feels compelled to quiz me every time I come to his house? I mentioned this issue to a friend of mine who said that he experiences the same exact thing. This friend encouraged me to write this letter to the Yated. Actually, he's pushed me for months to write something, but I never got around to it.

Perhaps there is a father-in-law out here who can explain it to us. Why do you have to bombarded us with your questions on our limudim and with your vertlack on this inyan or that inyan? It is not that we aren't interested. It is just that we somehow are made to feel that we have to constantly be ready for our next "exam" when we meet you.

(This is surely not as bad as a different friend's shver who actually makes him fax a shtickel Torah to him once a month. This friend lives in Yerushalayim, while his father-in-law lives in New York.)

There are other issues about in-laws that my friend wanted me to share, but for now I think this one will suffice.

Answers, anyone?

Two friends, C.R. & M.F. Lakewood, N.J.

Ok...so... I don't even know where to begin. This guy is seriously out of his mind. Here is my response to him/them

1) You have 5 kids, get yourself a job already. Pay for your own car. Shower your wife and kids with presents YOU *earned* the money for.

2) Considering that you're most likely going to say you earn the money your father-in-law gives you, because you're in kolel and you're fulfilling the mitzvah of Torah study not just for yourself and your family but for him as well, in that case, your father-in-law deserves to know that you are in actuality learning. He is after-all nothing more than a business man. He sees you as a good investment for the future of Torah in his family. Just like a stock-holder would look at the balance sheet of a company he's investing in, he needs to look into YOUR paperwork. If you cannot answer basic questions and if your answers do not make sense, and seem sloppy and careless, he will know that he should send you to work and go and support another pride less sucker. His questions are basically like "quarterly reports" and as the sole investor in your venture to "learn full-time" he has the right to irritate the crap out of you. He has the right to make sure he's invested in the right place.

3) About your friend in Yerushalayim... A fax is a fax. His father-in-law is paying the bill anyway. Its not like faxing to the US is complicated because he's not IN the US.

****

Chutzpah anyone? These guys are sitting and NOT working. Sucking up tzedekah dollars that could actually go to genuinely needy families. And sucking up tax dollars that could be used by families in dire financial need (sudden injury, unemployment, bankruptcy)

In all honesty, I'm in shock that the fathers-in-law are that bright to go and test their SOL. I think thats brilliant. Go figure the fathers are brilliant. Well..brilliant is an overstatment. They did afterall allow agree to pay for such nonsense from the beginning. A decent father wouldn't allow/want his daughter to marry such a guy. Oh well...thats just me.

Clothes Gemach

There was a series of letters in the Yated about donating clothes. One person wrote a whole long letter on how the clothing gemach works; that they go through all the clothes and they throw out everything with stains and everything which is outdated. Another lady wrote that she hates throwing out perfectly good clothes. She said that something outdated here may not be outdated in Israel. So she asked if she should donate the clothes to the gemachs for the reason that it can be sent to Israel. Someone responded the following:

Dear Editor,

This is in regard to the issue of giving clothing for tzedakeh.

To the lady who asked whether she should give "outdated clothes that are in good condition which her children won't wear," I would say absolutely not. As a matter for principle, anything that I wouldn't give my child, I wouldn't give to someone else's child either.

Clothes that are in good condition, but are not suitable for your children because they outgrew them- either size-wise or age-wise- can be given to others, in my opinion. But clothes that are outdated for your children (for any reason whatsoever), you can throw away.

A Reader

This letter really made me freak out for two reasons:

1) Beggars can't be choosers. Especially nowadays with the drop in the dollar and the rising prices of just about everything. If you're poor enough to need (not talking about people who choose to have) second-hand clothing you sure as hell shouldn't complain about the fact it's outdated.


When I was in Israel a few years ago I saw a lady in the supermarket (twice- we stayed at one hotel for about 4 days) wearing my HS uniform skirt (both times). There is no way in hell that skirt ever was or every will be in style (if the pattern ever is, def not in the length she was wearing it). She obviously either really needed the skirt, or Israel has a different style. I'm going with needed, simply because that really was one really ugly skirt. Either way, she has it, and she wore it. Using that letter writers logic, that uniform skirt should not have been donated, rather trashed. I hate that.

2) What bothers me, is the idea that frum people think there is a possibility for them to have "outdated" clothing. I've been frum for about 8 years. I still have some clothes that I could totally wear and would totally fit in. Why? Because there is no style. frum people wear the same thing ALL the time. Black skirt, blouse and/or knitted sweater. For a fancy occasion? Ugly black suit (makes them look like men) and/or a pleated black skirt with an atrocious shiny blouse. ALL blouses must be about 3 sizes too big (Gd forbid men see you have a waistline) and skirts end at mid-calf length.

A few months ago I was invited to a ger chassid wedding (one of my super frummy friends). I was going nuts "what should I wear" then I remembered I had a suit in my closet that I wore in 9th grade (about 7 yrs ago) to a super frummy Bar Mitzvah. It was an ordinary plain black suit. I wore a hot pink shell underneath and light pink, pearl earrings. Two people I know said how amazing I looked... I looked plain. I could dress up sooo much better than that, with actual nice clothes. But I wore something FIVE years old, and still managed to fit into the frum community...somehow.

So I ask you. How could clothes go outdated? I mean, we're talking abou the Yated here. The people that read this newspaper are Lakewood/Monsey/BP/Williamsburg. They don't do style. They have, and will continue to always look the same. Why not just already donate the clothes?

Radio Dating

Every time I have an interesting date experience I tell my grandmother about it the next time I see her. I tell her for two reasons 1) because it makes her really happy that my cousins (both guys) are normal (or so she thinks) and 2) because it gets her off my back why I'm not dating anyone exclusively and/or engaged yet.

Just today I was telling her about this guy that is stalking me (yes he is stalking me, I am not exaggerating this). And she says to me "Tell him he's an idiot, and he'll leave you alone"

So I was like "I told plenty of guys they were idiots and they still call me back, I don't think the one that's actually stalking me will leave me alone"

So she was like "Tell him you're seeing someone"

I replied "Babushka, we have two mutual friends, and he showed up at my shul, believe me, I can't lie about that"

Then she goes "I need to fix my radio. My neighbor told me that every single Sunday Russian frum guys go on air and talk about themselves and what kind of girls they want. I'll let you know if a guy goes on"

I was like "BABUSHKA, I am NOT going out with a guy from the radio."

Believe it or not, about a year ago (before her radio broke) she wrote down a number for me, from a guy who was about 9 yrs older than me, and was not a US citizen. When she did that I said "not only is he too old, but he's not a US citizen, I don't need someone using me like that."

She was like "You need a mature guy, he should be a lot older, and then he'll also have money in savings, its better for you. And the fact that he isn't a citizen shouldn't matter, your parents weren't born here"

I was like "It's not about being born here, and 9 years is too many"

She decided its not worth arguing with me. Thank gd her radio broke, and she completely forgot. But now she remembered. I only have to hope she doesn't fix the radio or buy a new one (which would probably be cheaper for her anyway).

Does Having children make you happy?

I remember back in HS one of my teachers was telling us all about Prozac Nation ( I never read the book) which is about how everyone these days is depressed. She kept saying how rich and beautiful people were also depressed, and that the reason why depression rates in the Torah community are so low, is because Jews cling to Hashem's will. She said that its having a family and having kids and a warm and loving home environment that keeps people happy.

I always assumed she was right. It seemed that having a family or something else very meaningful (deeper than just a high paying job) is really what made or kept people happy. However, today I read an article Having Kids Makes You Happy. The author quoted studies which stated "that parents are about 7 percentage points less likely to report being happy than the childless" and that "Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers."

Basically, parenting isn't going to make you happy. The author did say that parents were more likely to feel very fulfilled in life than non-parents, but fulfillment isn't necessarily a root to happiness.

I don't really have a point other than that one of my teachers was wrong again. Don't think your BY teacher knows anything. She probably really doesn't. Like just yesterday I decided to watch the new TV show by the creators of 7th Heaven called "The secret life of the American Teenager" The girl got pregnant her first time having sex. My friend that was over was like "Is that even possible." I looked at her as if she were an alien. then she was like "one of my teachers said its almost impossible."

Gotta love them B"Y teachers. They're so educated in those rip-off seminaries.

crazy vandalizers over MP4 devices

Charedi people in general really bother me. Not only do they bother me, but I think that -like the Arabs- they have it damn easy in Israel. They get just about all the benefits of the average citizen and they neither pay taxes (cuz they do not work) and they do not serve in the army (becuase they're naive idiots). Well anyway, these good-for-nothing loonies (aka charedi peoples) have decided that they haven't done enough damage with the press, so they went and vandalized a few shops for selling "MP4 devices" Yup. You read that clearly.

In the article the frummy Rabbi decided that MP4 players were the devil's way to try and gain entrance to our protected homes and yeshivas, disguised as something you can listen to Torah lessons through.

MORONS! I hate people like that. MP4 players don't cause people to go off the derech, its the uniformed frum community that does it. People who beleive in Gd, and who believe in the Torah, and who are Gd fearing, could do ALOT of stuff before they sin or go "off the derech"

If a person is secure in a beleif, he wouldn't care that half the world is screaming against him. He wouldn't care that his next door neighbor does the total opposite, and it wouldn't bother him if his kids played with the said next door neighbor's kids (considering his neighbor isn't a psycho child molester). If someone is so threatened by things such as TV, Internet, cell phones (ITS A PHONE DAMN IT!!), and MP3/4 players they need to take a deep long hard look at themselves and reevaluate their lives. Beleiving in something with such little passion, that it would disappear because of a strangers opposing opinion only shows how insecure and stupid you are for beleiving in what you beleive.

Thats right. I think you're stupid if you think the Internet or goyish music can just turn someone away from Torah. Questioning never hurt anyway. What turns people away from Torah are the retarded wacko's that vandalize other people's property in the name of Torah and the fact that they really have NO answers, because they spend their days vandalizing property and beating up innocent Israeli women for sitting on busses.

text messaging

I hate text messaging with a passion. The entire concept of texting is so impersonal. But I use texting, why? Simply because texting is practical.

My friends all text. Before I had texting (I hated it, so I avoided making it part of my plan for a LONG time) my friends would "forget" I didn't have texting, and they would text me anyway. I would yell at one of my friends, and then about a day or two later, another friend would text me. Then some random classmate who needed HW would text me, and then BAM, I would owe a few dollars extra for texting. So for obvious reasons, I got a plan for 300 messages a month.

My parents agreed to continue on paying for my cell phone, but I would have to pay for the texting separately. Ok, fine with me. $5 for 300 messages is not bad at all.

I went over in texting almost every month. More acurately- every month but one. And I didn't go over by enough to go into the "unlimited" texting plan, which would be about 3 times what I pay now (including the over-texts).

And anyway, I need texting now. Its no longer really a "because my friends would text me" issue. At work I sit right infront of the manager, If I want to make plans with my friends, I either call and keep the convo realllly short (and be meanish cuz I'd have to get super talkers off the phone really quickly), or just text these people. I think texting is much simpler. PLUS PLUS, my very close friends (the ones I text most) actually have lives and can't chat all hours of the day either, so texting them is waaaay more convenient for both sides.

So anyway, my father receives the bill and he freaks out. "YOU WENT OVER YOUR LIMIT AGAIN!"

I ask you people, WHY on earth does it matter? I fail to understand why he cares if I'm paying for these messages on my own.

ERRRRR

anyway...I'm going to go back to writing a post that actually has to do with frum people being wacko.