Sunday, November 8, 2009

Why I dont give to Hachnosses Kallah

I received an email the other day from an engaged person. I know she isn’t the wealthiest person, but between her and her fiance’s parents they’re managing to pay for quite an expensive wedding. I was happy for her that she was marrying someone who had a little bit more money to help out. Like for example, her fiance lives a luxury building (not the type where the word luxury is used loosely).

One might think that between his and her savings and wedding present money all should be well. Right? Well apparently not. Because she still felt that she needed some financial help, so she went and had her teacher from HS fill out a form for her to receive 2 sets of dishes, 2 sets of pots/pans, 2 sets of flatwear, sheets, towels and a huge amount of coupons to help pay for furniture (honestly I don’t consider coupons a big deal, but I’m just mentioning what she’s getting), a food processor, and other small random things that should, atleast in my opinion *not* be given out for free if the kallah is having an *expensive* wedding.

Now… Someone told me that I may not know the full situation so I shouldn’t judge and get all ticked off. But I thought about that, and here is what I *do* know
- She has over $10,000 in savings
- He has over $10,000 in savings
- While $20,000 doesn’t get a newly wed couple to far (btwn appliances, furniture, *rent* (in the NYC area will not hold that amount for long), bills etc). its still quite a number especially since one is working and the other is looking for a job (oh… and wedding money soon to come…)
- The wedding is *not* being paid for by a hachnosses kallah org, and since I've been to the hall she’s being married in (when I was looking for my own wedding) I *know* the place is *not* exactly cheap, because I know the cost per plate… Like I said, I know she’s not the richest person etc… I understand that some people need help starting a marriage… but she is having an EXPENSIVE wedding. If she’s dumb enough to either spend all the money on the wedding or go into debt over the wedding, she shouldn’t be qualified for the free stuff. Infact, Since she has enough money in savings and soon in wedding money to definitely get by for a about a year, there should be no reason she’s getting help *now* anyway… SPECIFICALLY because she’s having an expensive wedding. I don’t get this… why do Jews think its their RIGHT to irresponsibly spend money and still qualify for “help”?!

15 comments:

G6 said...

I'm right there with you.
I have similar issues with families asking for tuition breaks while at the same time taking everybody to Israel on vacation.....

lars said...

what a rant

Anonymous said...

G6 - While I agree with you on your point, I have to disagree about the tuition breaks. I've seen the *outrageous* rates of tuition for yeshivas and day schools - I couldnt go becasue of that.

I think pretty much most people should qualify for *some* sort of tuition break.

Honestly Frum said...

It is all part of a generation that expects things to come to them even if it means taking from others.

frumskeptic said...

G6- that bothers me as well!

anon- a certain percentage of the tuition one pays is given to scholarship students. if students' parents had to findtheir own scholarship providers and not use the school, the tuition would be that much lower.

honestly frum- yup. its terrible. instead of teaching kids responsibility most parents teach them how to trick the system (get only a chupa wedding-not civil, lie about income etc..)

kisarita said...

if people can not afford their basic expenses they should not be having a wedding at all. You can get married with out a wedding both in the civil and halachic sense.

frumskeptic said...

kisarita- I completely agree!!

Moshe said...

We got married in Menorah Hall. People were served chicken legs and soup. Another couple got married in backyard of a yeshiva with mostly only people from shul attending.

A $5k sheitel is a privilege, not a right. Neither are custom dresses, more than one choice of food, video, band, having 500+ people at the wedding, etc. You want it? You pay for it yourself.

Though you gotta agree, it's even worse when the people demanding that kind of a wedding are not even planning on working afterwards.

frum single female said...

i always had a problem with hachnasos kallah for the reasons you have mentioned. the wedding expenses are the least of things. what are these people going to do to support themselves after the wedding?
if you really cant afford things, have a smaller wedding. there is no shame in this. some of the nicest weddings i have been to were the lower budget ones anyway.

frumskeptic said...

fsf- you're right. married life isn't cheap at all... and u know what? these people with hochnasses kallah end up on Section8 and welfare, and they eventually don't pay for their kids tuition.

the Frum community has crated a situation tha promotes irresponsobility. yuo get more benefits by not trying to get money to support yourself.

I find it increasingly difficult to give maaser because many organizations help perpetuate these lifestyles

Moshe said...

And you get screwed when you try to do things honestly.

rachel said...

While I agree with you in theory, one small point to bring up. Is it possible the couple are not footing the bill for the wedding? Maybe parents are putting up the money for the wedding and are not willing to channel it in to other things? I know in our case we had an enormous affair, but still needed all the help we could muster the morning after.

Just my $0.02

frumskeptic said...

rachel- If a couple is getting married, unable to provide for themselves, even on a small scale, yet they still allow their parents to foot the bill for an enormous wedding, that very clearly states their parents arent exactly relaying a message of responsible money spending habits, and therefore, the couple, should not qualify for hachnosses kallah. out of priniciple that they will end up probably not realizing the value of the dollar.

i cannot fathom why a parent would agree to spend an enormous amount of money on a wedding while their children have no means to support themselves.

Thats just irresponsible. and Hachnosses Kallah shouldnt foot the bill for that.

mlevin said...

rachel - when two people get married it is presumed that they are adult enough to take care of themselves. If they are unable to do so, and need help to start a marriage, then what would they do for the rest of their lives? Live off the handouts?

Moshe said...

In Brooklyn, yep. ;-)