Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Jewish/Kosher TV

The other day it had occurred to me that the frum community banned the Internet and the cell phone and then realized how utterly messed up they were, so they invented the "Kosher" phone and the Internet filter so that people can still use the technology but in a halachically acceptable way (yet they still deny the necessity of using either!). My father has led me to realize that nothing has yet been created/invented to make the television acceptable. I began to imagine what the acceptable TV would be like.

Firstly, the Jewish TV would be an ordinary "video machine" (calling it a TV would be simply unacceptable) with a premium cable package. This package would literally filter out EVERY single basic cable channel, but will also be the only package that would include Jew channels.

The first station will be Davening TeleVision. DTV will be the all-around 24-hour prayer channel. The station will air people davening and have Rebbeim discuss shuckling methods and different ways to improve on your kavanah. They'll also have "specials" air during prime-time comparing/contrasting the different ways Jews daven (Sephard, Ashkenaz etc). Before each yom tov they'll provide a special on the different meanings behind each "yom tov" bracha that is added. Every Rosh Chodesh, the station will air different songs by featured "hit" frummy artists to help add to the joy of the day.

With the creation of this station, the Rebbeim will discuss if one can use the televised LIVE davening for minyan.

The next station will be called Shidduch Central. This channel will air shows like:

"Prepare for your date in less than 30 minutes" This show will provide girls with tips on which shampoos and mouse products are the best for blowing/ironing hair. The show will talk about how accessorizing the black "first-date outfit" (black turtle-neck with a black skirt) is essential in getting a second date. The show will also remind it's viewers that it is key to remember to focus on the type of shoes the guy is wearing instead of focusing on secondary things, like his personality, chemistry, and attraction.

Another show on Shidduch Central would be, "How to act on your first date" This show will be a guide for all the guys/girls who unfortunately didn't get engaged to the first person they ever dated. The show will remind them to sit with a straight back and to never ask questions about anything of importance. It will remind the girls that they are required to order either a diet soda or a water because if they order anything containing calories, their date may think they don't take care of themselves.


Another show would be: "The Rabbi's advice" This will be aired a few times a week for 3 hours straight. It will be live and will be hosted by a different rabbi each time (repeats allowed, but not consecutively). The point of the show will be to answer questions of those in shidduchim LIVE! The callers will remain anonymous. If a question is really good, the Rav may decide to give an entire shuir on the topic instead of answering more phone calls.


The other show would be "The Shadchan says..." and it will be a production which would feature a shadchan deciding which people to set up. It will be similar to a reality TV program providing viewers with full view on how the shadchan browses through resumes and how she scrutinizes parents and harasses singles.

Another Station will be "Television's Tznius Network". TTN will air shows solely for women (The TV will have a male detector, and will NOT allow the channel to be viewed in the presence of any).

TTN will air shows like "Tamara Berg Show." Tamara will give make-overs to BT women to help them learn to dress tzniously. She will also interview women who had gone through tragedies (been beat or had acid poured on by radical Charedi men). She will also interview families with OTD members in it (with the faces blurred or shidduchim will be effected). Tamara will organize tehillim groups to help put those family members back on the derech. She will have "T" magazine and also be a model for "Tzipporah's Secret" catalogs of all tznius clothing.

Television's Tznuis Network will also air "Tzipporah's Secret" fashion shows...and will air "Sheitle Keeper's" a guide on how to care for your sheitle.

A show "How to look good Tznius" will have a host which will stop random girls from public schools who are dressed "half-naked." They will then give these girls fully tznius makeovers, and then post their pictures in shidduch magazines around the world. When the girls realize that guys DO want to go out with them, even with clothes on, they'll come to a realization that covered can be attractive.


Being that DTV, Shidduch Central and TTN will not interest children, the Kosher TV will have to provide entertainment for the young. The station for Jewish kids will be called "Yiddishe Kinderlach Broadcasting". YKB will be a station specifically geared to occupy the young innocent minds of the klal.

YKB will provide shows such as "Yossi's Street" where there will be characters like the Kugel Monster who lives in a shul's shtender. He comes out when there is a kiddush and tries to sneak all the kugel back into his shtender.


Another hit show will be "Devora the Explorer" Devora will randomly wander around areas and randomly say things in Hebrew. She will have a little brother Shmuley (she can't have a pet, come on, we're being Jewish!!) who will wander around with her everywhere. She will also have a knapsack that contains all Jewish essentials (ie chicken soup, gefilte fish, money, and a phone with speed dial to Imma). These essentials will help her in her random wanders, because she'll have who to call, what to eat (if she gets sick) and what to share if she meets a friend. She'll also be able to buy something if she wanders into a sale!

Yiddishe Kinderlach Broadcasting will not only air such great shows, but will also air Uncle Moishy concerts.


The final station will be called Tzedakah Home Network, which will air Chinese auction catalogs, and other random events one may attend. If there is a fund-raising dinner, the TV station will spend a few hours showing pictures of the hall it will be held at, as well as pictures of the food the caterer will provide.


***
The Kosher TV will also come with another feature, and that will be "shabbos mode"


The TV will automatically shut off 30 minutes before shabbos and yom tov and will not turn back on until 2 hours after shabbos/yom tov is over.

39 comments:

Mikeinmidwood said...

Extremely clever post. You could have Loshon Hara Lady (gossip girl), and The BP (Boro Park instead of OC).

frumskeptic said...

Mike- thanx :)

I had s/t on Gossip GIrl, but edited out. It was s/t like this

"A Kosher Gossip Girl will not be allowed, as Loshon Hara is an avera, and kosher phones would not have texting to allow for the gossip to make it to Gossip Girl anyway."

But i thought it was super corny. lol.

BP is a cute idea. But I never saw teh show OC, so I wouldn't konw how to edit it in. lol

arnie draiman said...

love it! well done. count me in for programming director of the tzedakah channel....

arnie draiman
www.draimanconsulting.com

tesyaa said...

too funny

Off the Derech said...

Awesome post.

You forgot broadcasting live kosel cams.

David said...

This service already exists. It's played 24/7 on a 72 inch digital screen in a place called "Gehinnom."

Off the Derech said...

David:
Sounds like you speak from experience.

David said...

Nah. To be honest, it's just my imagination as to what Gehinnom would be like.

frumskeptic said...

AD, tesyaa- thanx :)

OTD- thanx!

I didn't forget the kosel cam...the problem is it would be on the channel directly following DTV. Aish will complain about it (as it will be competition to their camera) and the Rabbeim will ban the channel in hopes of discouraging future competition.

hehehe :)

David- LOL. :)

Moshe said...

Kosher internet is a scam, just like kosher alarm clocks and any other electronics with a kosher label on it.

Verizon charges $30 for 3M downstream, koshernet charges $50 for 1.5M. If you want the current DSL standard of 3M, it would cost you only $75.

KT said...

Tziporah's Seccret--LOL!!

Devorah the Explorer sounds like it could seriously be piloted as a tv show! Instead of teaching spanish it would teach kids how to count in Yiddish.

David said...

Moshe--
"Kosher internet is a scam, just like kosher alarm clocks and any other electronics with a kosher label on it.

Verizon charges $30 for 3M downstream, koshernet charges $50 for 1.5M."

Uh-huh. And what is kosher food?

Moshe said...

Also a scam. The whole hashgocha employment agency is very new and is mostly only in America and Israel.

I know in Russia frum people knew which manufactured products were kosher and which were not. I hear same in Europe. Meat and wine is one thing, but hashgocha for something that doesn't need checking or needs checking once a year is just a way of making money and driving up prices.

mlevin said...

Moshe - and how one would know if all of the ingredients are kosher, unless it had some kind of an organized system to it. For example, rice krispie treats are not kosher. Unless you are aware of the fact that one of the ingredients in unkosher gelatin you wouldn't know it. Also, according to American law if something is less then .5% it doesn't need to be in the list of ingredients. Thus, how would you know that a bit of lard was added to your cookies?

Moshe said...

Like I said, there are some products that do need and some that don't.

You do realize that we drink beer without a hashgocha. Tea doesn't require hashgocha, neither does coffee. Nori, as long as it's yaki-nori doesn't require a hashgocha. Many products don't need a hashgocha, yet, people go to Jewish stores and pay double or triple for the privileged of having some guy telling you it's kosher.

Moshe said...

There are several "bad" hashgochas that are put on products that don't need checking, like orange juice or canned or frozed vegetables.

Dina said...

Surely some sort of true crime show is in order - shocking story of serial denim-wearer, or blatant inspirational-speech evasion - complete with perp walk and all.

frumskeptic said...

dina- hahaha :)

seriel denim wearer!!!!!!!!

mlevin said...

Of course things like orange juice and canned vegies need checking. Although juice itself is fine, you must make sure that the container it comes in is fine too. Same goes to canned foods. Imagine if animal oil was used on the walls of that can.

People who say that they are kosher, just come in occasionally and verify the process. I don't even think that it raises a price of a product, because without that OU company will sell fewer items.

Also, there is a big difference between buying stuff in regular stores with OU and going to Haimishe stores only and overpaying for the same product.

Moshe said...

You're kidding, right? Animal oil?!
Did you hear this from the same idiots who are spreading the rumor that animal oil is used to preserve tea?

mlevin said...

Moshe - it is very common to apply oil on metal to keep it from rusting. Cans are made of metal. That can of vegies you bought from Europe doesn't have a hegsher. Was animal oil used on cans?

Moshe said...

Oil is not used to keep cans from rusting, that's retarded. Not only will not stay there, it'll spoil the taste.

Look stuff up before repeating what some idiot said

And CRC is the best source for finding out what needs a hashgocha and what doesn't and why.

mlevin said...

Really? I bought brand new cast iron frying pans. They seemed oily to me, and wouldn't wash out. So, I placed them into the self-clean cycle in my oven. You should have been there, when oil burned. The smell and smoke...

And what about the saying "Kashu maslom ne isportish" A bit of fat wouldn't ruin a taste of your vegies, it may even inhance it. The only one who would care are religious Jews and wako vegetarians.

Moshe said...

1. Iron rusts, aluminum doesn't.
2. According to your thinking you need hashgocha for knives and pans.
3. Canned vegetables get to your house at least a year after manufacture. Yes, it will have an effect.

btw, cast iron cookware must be oiled at all times.

mlevin said...

Moshe, the link you provided states that canned vegies need a hegsher.

Moshe said...

No, it says some.

The Babysitter said...

wow, I love the idea of your kosher Television!

I love the Davening part!

"Another Station will be "Television's Tznius Network". TTN will air shows solely for women (The TV will have a male detector, and will NOT allow the channel to be viewed in the presence of any)."

that is just too funny!

That was excellent! I think I'm going to link up to this as my favorite post!

frumskeptic said...

thank you :)!!
:)

The Babysitter said...

Your welcome!

Deborah Shaya said...

There is No codified Halacha that a married woman must cover her hair totally and constantly whenever she steps out of her house.

The Halachah has been MISinterpreted. When the Halachah refers to "Covering hair," it does not mean "Cover your hair with hair!" and "constantly for life." The Halachah is that:

A married woman is required to cover her hair when:

(1) she lights the candles to welcome in Shabbat and Yom Tov – lechavod Shabbat ve Yom Tov, and

(2) when she goes to the Synagogue, because that is the place of Kedusha.

The Halacha does not require anything more from married women. This is the true interpretation of the Halacha.

The misinterpretation of the Torah is completely Assur, and a twisting of the Torah.The Torah must remain straight.

Deborah Shaya said...

In ancient times, a woman would only cover her hair upon entering the Beit Hamikdash.Similarly for the Sotah-otherwise she would not be required to cover her hair ordinarily, day to day.

It is very important for people to know and realise that when a married woman covers her hair with 'Real Hair' the woman is covering herself with 100% Tumah. This is totally against the Torah.

Nothing could be more nonsensical than for a Jewish woman to cover her hair with someone else's hair -who was not Jewish as well!She can never fully be sure that this 'hair' has not come from meitim-despite any guarantee by the seller.This 'real hair' is doubly and in some circumstances, triply Tumah.

1.It will contain the leftover dead hair cells from another person - however much it has been treated, the tumah is still there.

2.This other person (likely to be a non-Jew who most likely was involved in some kind of Avodah Zarah) may have eaten bacon, ham, lobster etc, all of which are totally forbidden as unclean and non-kosher foods in Halacha.

3.If the woman happens to be the wife of a COHEN, then she is bringing her husband into close contact and proximity with meitim and Tumah Every day, and throughout their married life. This is clearly strictly against the Torah.

There is nothing more degrading and demeaning to a woman than to make her cover her hair FOR LIFE upon marriage.It is an abhorrent practice.

Deborah Shaya said...

Any man who makes such a ridiculous demand on his wife, or wife-to-be, should similarly also be required by his wife to wear: long white stockings, even in the summer; a fur streimel; grow a long beard; wear a black hat and coat constantly, and cover his face when he speaks to his wife.Wigs -"la perruque"- were merely a fashion item in the time of Louis XIV-they are not for the Jewish woman!

Rabbi Menachem Schneeersohn tz”l, gave the directive that a married woman must cover her head with a “sheitel.” This needs to be corrected. Rabbi Schneersohn a"h, was a Tzaddik, – but on this – he was, unfortunately not correct.

It is extremely unhealthy and unhygienic for a woman to cover her hair constantly.The hair needs oxygen to breathe.A woman's hair will lose its natural beauty and shine, she may have scalp problems, some of her hair may fall out, she may get headaches, and she may end up cutting it short like a man, when she always wore it long, in order not to have too much discomfort from her hair covering.

Do you think that HaKadosh Baruch Hu commanded this of women? I can assure you that He did not.The commmandments are not meant to cause so much repression and oppression in women.Was Chava created with a wig? Of course not! Did she start wearing a wig? Of course not!

Please Wake Up.

Use the spark of intelligence that Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave to you and blessed you with.

And give your wig back to your husband if you wear one.

Deborah Shaya said...

1. To all the women who are wondering about the sources:

We have all been created, "Betselem Elokim" - "in the image of Elokim."
This means that we have been given something called "intelligence." The source is the very first Parsha, Bereishit - 1:27. It is time that people use the spark of intelligence and Kedusha with which Hashem has blessed them.

If your rabbi will tell you to go and jump into the depths of a glacier, presumably you would do that too – and give me a source for it?

“According to the Zohar”, I should also be covering my hair with a wig when I have a bath. “According to the Zohar and the Gemara” and all the sources that have misinterpreted the Halachah, and MIStranslated the Zohar, I should also have been born with a WIG on my head.

These sources and translations are incorrect, as they have deviated very far from the true and correct interpretation, of the Halachah.

Deborah Shaya said...

2.Remember that the Jewish women are very, very holy. They are much more holy than the men. Look at the exemplary behaviour of the women at Har Sinai.

The women never sinned at the Eigel, and so are greatly elevated. Many of the men, unfortunately, ran after a calf made out of a lump of gold – after they had just been given the Torah, and seen the greatest of all Revelations. The women refused to give their gold for the avodah zarah of the men.

The women were greatly elevated after such a wonderful display of Emunah, and they are regarded very highly in Shamayim.

That is why women are not even required to pray. They can pray at home on their own. Nor do women have to make up a minyan. That is how holy the Jewish women are. Men have to pray 3 times a day to remind them of their Creator.

The men are telling the women to put the hair of a non-Jewish woman who may have eaten things like snakes and sharks and alligators, and has worshipped in churches, Buddist temples or Hindu temples : on their own Heads. They had better wake up.

If the men don’t want to wake up to the truth, and the true interpretation of the Halacha, the women will wake them up – whether they like it or not.

Deborah Shaya said...

3. Many righteous women influenced their husbands for the good at the Chet Haeigel and at the time of Korach.

It was these righteous women who succeeded in bringing their husbands back to their senses.

And because of these great women, the lives of their husbands were saved. Those men therefore turned away from the madness of avodah zarah, and the rebellion of Korach against Hashem's choice of Aharon, as Cohen HaGadol.

Deborah Shaya said...

4. Look at the Jewish women in history, and remember how holy they are.

(a) Yaakov, who was the greatest of the Avot, came to marry the 2 daughters of Lavan, Rachel and Leah. Lavan was not exactly a tzaddik. Yaakov went to Lavan, of all people, to marry his 2 daughters – not 1 daughter, but his 2 daughters. Nothing could be greater than that.

(b) Rut, who came from Moav, became the ancestor of David Hamelech.

(c ) Batya, the daughter of Paroh, was given eternal life because she rescued Moshe from the river. No one could have been more evil than Paroh.

(d) Devorah, was a Neviah, and also a Judge.

Women who came from such adverse backgrounds, were able to become builders of Am Yisrael. That is how holy the women are, and how much more elevated they are than the men.

This was never the case with men. It never happened the other way round.

Don't tell me it is holy for me to wear a WIG! Hair over my own hair? This is ridiculous!

Similarly, don’t tell me it is holy for me to plonk a permanent head covering on my head for the rest of my life. This is equally vile.

Please Wake Up.

Use the spark of intelligence that Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave to you and blessed you with.

And give your wig back to your husband if you wear one.

Deborah Shaya said...

5. Remember: Not a single “dayan” or “rabbi” has the slightest bit of interest in correcting the situation for the women. Therefore, the women will have to correct the situation................for ..................themselves.

Whether you wish to accept the correction – which is true – is up to you. Are you going to live by the truth? Are you going to use the spark of intelligence that Hashem gave to you and all women? Or are you going to follow rabbis and dayanim who tell you to wear a wig in a Heat Wave – and you thank them for it as well?

William Dwek said...

The next things the ‘rabbis’ will come up with is to tell the woman to wear a CARPET on her head. Not a sheitel AND a hat, but a Carpet. Or you could go for 5 shaitels on your heads and a rug.

And do you know what the Jewish woman will say to her husband?

‘Yes, husband! I am now wearing a carpet on my head!’

You women must either be extremely thick, or petrified.

kosher catering new york said...

Well do I found this kosher internet is scam as well as kosher alarm clocks