Wednesday, May 13, 2009


Supposedly we are in the midst of a terrible shidduch crisis. If you're looking for an explaination as to why there is a "crisis" you have to ask multiple people, or else you won't get a good laugh out of it.

Some person had nothing better to do and he came up with a mathematical equation as to why there is a shidduch crisis. He came up with this entire concept of there being more frum girls than guys. He has many followers. They all firmly beleive in this numbers crisis. At one point these crazy nuts even created NASI (North American Shidduch Initiative). NASI is in organization that was formed to give incentive to shadchanim to set up couples in which the guy were either older, but very close in age to the girl, or a tad bit younger then her. If the couple got married, she got paid in accordance to the age difference. "Unfortunately" for these loonies, the fund to pay for this Initiative went dry... so now they have to do things on their own.

These crazies forget one thing, while their world supposedly has more girls other frum worlds have more guys! There is the "out-of-town" world, which is like the entire world grouped into one category, and then there is the "BT" world. BTs tend to have more guys than girls. For whatever reason there are more guys becomming frum than there are girls. But who the heck cares about this stuff anyway...its a crisis. Being picky is good stuff.

Picky I say?

The second reason you may hear as to why frum people have a shidduch crisis is because of pickiness. They claim that people focus too much on unimportant things, and then break up even though there is still a lot of potential for the relationship to work out.

So, I've got a story on pickiness.
Someone tried to set a girl I know up. She always said she wanted a guy who only learned. The guy they wanted to set her up with was in the process of becomming a Rabbi and he planned on being a Rabbi for a living. She rejected the date.

When I heard about that, I was extremely shocked, WTH is the difference between the two, except for the fact that a Rabbi may actually get a job at some time in their first few years of marriage, whereas the Kollel yungerbum will sit on his a$$ and be as useless to society as bicycles are to fish.

While mathematically in certain areas shidduchim may be complicated, and some people are overwhelmingly picky about stupid things, I don't think the overall problem with shidduchim is anything other than stupid indoctrination by the yeshiva/seminaries. Had these dumb schools not messed with people's heads, they'd be more practical and more mature, and therefore more able to have a well adjusted-normal dating experience, hopefully one with a positive outcome as well.


Anonymous said...

I can understand why the girl wouldn't want someone who was going to be a pulpit rabbi. The community role of a rebbetzin can be very demanding, and everyone in the community knows who you are.

But what I don't understand is the indoctrination that would make her want someone who only learned. What do you think is the reason for that?

Ichabod Chrain

Off the Derech said...

>I don't think the overall problem with shidduchim is anything other than stupid indoctrination by the yeshiva/seminaries. Had these dumb schools not messed with people's heads,

Couldn't have said it better myself:).

Dina said...

It's a problem the frum world has manufactured for itself, in part, by expecting people to marry so young. There are not that many unmarried frum people in their 40's; being unmarried at, say 25, should not be considered a "crisis." This is only exacerbated by the focus on marriage as the be-all and end-all, especially for women, who start getting the whole "future wife and mother" shpiel from at least 13 years of age.

tesyaa said...

I totally agree.

Jessica said...

If these people were meant to be married right now, they would be. No point in putting any blame on anyone for a made up crisis. You give the yeshivas and seminaries too much credit... it's in God's hands, no theirs.

frumskeptic said...

jessica- gd helps those who help themselves.

if they sit around and reject potential shidduchim for stupid reasons Gd isn't going to strike them with lightening, make them unconscience and make em wake up in bed together with a magically signed ketuba on the wall.

I'm sorry, but there is a certain amount of space Gd gives us. afterall, traditioan Jewish philosophy does tend to agree with free-choice

Jessica said...

That's free choice to do right or wrong. This isn't a right or wrong decision. It's not up to us, it's up to God.

mlevin said...

Jessica - it's only ok to say it's up to gd if you are making an effort yourself, but if you are not making an effort, gd is out of the picture.

For example should gd help you when you

a) are jumping off the plane without a parachute?

b) going into a burning building without any plans to leave it?

c) you are not making any afford to find a job, not networking, not looking at help wanted ads, not talking to head hunters?

Basically if you are staying home and doing nothing, and expect a guy to fall off the sky, chances are you won't get married. Actually if the guy were to fall off the sky, you would reject him because he is sky diving instead of learning...

Jessica said...

mlevin - God has His hand in it no matter what.'ve never heard of a miracle? Things which wouldn't have happened under normal circumstances, but do. Even if God didn't have His hand in it, that doesn't prove that it's the yeshivas and seminaries who made the person do that. We're individuals. We have to take responsibility for our actions and not blame it on anyone else.

mlevin said...

Ultimately people are responsible for their actions, but you have to take their youth and brainwashing into account.

How much can you expect from HS girls who are taught "We can, we can, we can support our men"? And they are restricted from access to all other information. So, they do not know that they have a choice.

I do blame these schools/yeshivas. And I blame them for high divorce rate, too. These girls (and boys) don't know that they have a choice, they are pushed into marriage without knowing what they want in a spouse. Or they have an inkling of what they want but they can't see it in their dates, because they are not allowed to be frank. They have to act a certain way to land a spouse.

Moshe said...

I say that whoever is stupid enough to have the shadchan tell them what they want, or use a professional shadchan period, or have their mommy pick out their wife/husband for them, deserves what they get.

IC, I think it was more about the current view, in contradiction of gemora, that a rabbi wastes time from learning. Even if he became a pulpit rabbi, I think the role of rebbetzin is only demanding in out of town small communities.

Anonymous said...


Hee hee hee.


Anonymous said...

"Even if he became a pulpit rabbi, I think the role of rebbetzin is only demanding in out of town small communities"

Heh. I'd like to hear what the rebbetzins have to say about that.
Besides where do you think new rabbis end up? They're more likely to start out somewhere between Atlanta and Dallas or between Des Moines and Pittsburgh, than between Manhattan and Long Island.

Ichabod Chrain