Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Its not just frum people!

After shabbos my family went to Boston to visit our relatives. Our relatives are not frum at all, and so when they asked me "are you seeing anyone" I didn't expect them to judge me when I said "no, I'm not". While they didn't exactly judge me, they did surprise me with their answer.

They were like "why aren't you seeing anyone?" (normal question, I guess), and I replied that the guys I'm meeting are just not for me. So I expected them to be just like all the other non-frum "secular" people I know, to tell me "well, you're young still, go to grad school, you're smart, worry about marraige later." But what I got was "You shouldn't be so picky, you're already 20, you aren't getting any younger." I was so shocked by this, that I found myself speechless with nothing to answer. And now thinking back, I don't think I'd have anything to answer anyway. I mean, they're older than me, and are related, there really is nothing I could've said that wouldn't have sounded somewhat rude!

OY... I don't like the relatives from Boston on my back , especially since they're not frum, its like there's no escape!

13 comments:

Jessica said...

My oldest nephew is 11 (my sister isn't frum, therefore neither is he) was over my parents house over the weekend. My mother asked him when he wanted to get married (not like a pressure thing, just making small talk. Finding out things about his personality.) and he said 21 or 22. I was so surprised. His father was in his mid-late 20s when he married my sister (and in his 30s when he divorced her, but that's a different story), my brother was in his mid-20s when he got married, my sister was 23 when she got married... I don't know where his age is coming from.

frumskeptic said...

Jessica: thats really cute. kids can be so strange sometimes in their ideas.

The Babysitter said...

I guess there's no escape then. But that is surprising to hear them say that, I thought they were into marrying in the late 20's, right on time before the biological clock goes out.
I guess because their family, they want to see you happily married cause they care about you.

frustrated frummie said...

ur not the only one who gets it from family that isnt frum! my secular friends from college do it to me all the time and not as a joke i assure you!
for example there was an ad in a newspaper for a part-time female position in a pharmacy, so i called since i am in the market for a job! when the boss called me back he automatically assumed i was married, and when i informed him that i am only 20 and single his response was oh! i could tell from there that it was going downhill...needless to say i was not offered a job there!

frumcollegegirl said...

i was just discussing this with my neighbor. she and her husband are both baalei teshuva. she said that now secular jews are starting to realize that getting married "right on time before the biological clock goes out" might be a little too late, and starting to date seriously when they're a little younger

abandoning eden said...

the median age at marriage for US women is 25.3. That means half of women who will every get married are married by age 25.3, the other half get married after age 25.

Don't worry, your relatives are crazy. And I firmly believe that no one should get married until they are able to support themselves without their parents help.

Oh and that your "biological clock" goes out in your late 20s is ridiculous. Fertility doesn't even BEGIN to decline until you are 36, and after that its a slow decline until around 45. Believe me, I have a masters degree in this stuff....(demography, focusing on the family)

The Babysitter said...

oops, I meant late 30's.
But they start by late 20's to late 30's.

mlevin said...

Abandoning Eden - Although one's fertility may not decline until 36, pregnancy risks increase after 25. Therefore it is not a good idea to postpone pregnancy into the 30s. At the same time forcing someone to marry solely based on age is not a right approach and a recipe for disaster.

Sarah gave birth to a perfectly normal baby at 90. Need we go any further?

Anonymous said...

Abandoning Eden, I must disagree with you. According to most ob-gyns, fertility actually begins to decline at 28. There was a whole to-do when this study as published and supported by the medical community a few years back, but it is what it is. In addition, since women are born with a finite number of eggs, not only does the risk to the mother increase with age but the risk of birth defects and issues such as Down's Syndrome increase with the mother's age as well.

Michelle said...

Yeah, usually secular ppl say things like you expected.."you're young...finish school first..."
Hmm. Maybe they aren't as secular as you thought

frumskeptic said...

Michelle: They're secular. They were trying to trick us into eating their food...and it was obviously NOT from a kosher store like they said it was.

abandoning eden said...

i have never heard that pregnancy risks increase after 25. I've heard 35 for that as well. Source please?

I don't know what ob-gyn's say, but I have a masters degree in demography, specializing in fertility, and that's what we learned in our fertility courses.

Anonymous said...

from fav. anonymous here...my son said he never wants to get married cause he'll miss me...awww...but seriously im not saying people should have kids right away but i think normal marriage age is 20-25. I dont know, but I totally look at people 26+ not married, and i think...what is wrong with them? LOL!!!!! Dont laugh at me, until I typed this, i didnt realize how narrow minded i am...but im a republican, what can i say?