The English teacher conspiracy theory

The following was written by my sister, who apparently had way to much to drink before writing her english essay on Great Expectations. :-). Enjoy! Please comment, as she is so excited by this. I told her to start her own "anti-English teacher blog" but she decided she didn't feel like it- afterall- if you knew my sister, she'd much rather just be watching TV and eating chips- while she complains about how dumb the teachers are on TV- and then compares them with her teachers in school!

Hundreds of years ago, before the evil existed was a group of people more commonly known as "the losers." They were incapable of doing anything with there lives; they lacked in logic, creativity and in memorization skills and were therefore unable to have any jobs. They decided to make a convention which they called "The Loser Convention."

The convention was established. Together they decided that they needed to think of a way to manipulate society into thinking "The Losers" were valuable members. They came up with a curriculum on analyzing literature in terms of symbolism and characterization and all other forms of brainless activity. They called this curriculum language arts.

The question was, how would they get society to believe such a load of baloney? They thought about it and came up with the "Big Lie Technique." These losers used the idea of "persistence" to get what they wanted; they were constantly annoying people with their loser stupid ideas, and after a while, their ideas started gaining acceptance and "language arts" became a new subject in the towns curriculum. Over the years this subject was more and more accepted and eventually became a mandatory class in all schools. Sadly many people were lost to this horrible conspiracy.

I thought I'd let you in on the secret, these "losers" are our modern day English teachers. I thought it was only fair to warn you, that you should not believe all the trash English teachers tell you. If an author describes a hill as "smokey" it is probably because he felt like it. He's an author and he's entitled to write whatever the hell he wants. If he wanted the town to be smokey, its because he wanted it to be smokey. It's a rather clear concept.

When teaching Dickens, it is obvious that English teachers forget that he was paid per WORD. So when he describes a scene, there most likely isn't any symbolism, or any clear, specific images he was trying to portray. HE WAS TRYING TO GET CASH!! -especially in his later works for example Great Expectations-

When teachers discuss why Dickens created that atmosphere or why he made that certain scene lengthy its not because there is a meaning behind it, but is because he had other motives-CASH!

So next time you hear about someone saying..."OMG I'm so good in English" you know that they really mean "OMG I suck at everything! :-( I guess i must fall back on this loser-ish pile of garbage known as language arts".

(The loser convention was later changed to the ELA part of the board of education- and if you ask any English teacher, how much you wanna bet they won't tell you that the subject was started by a bunch of losers with no skills who decided to manipulate people into believing in their retarded cause).