Sunday, September 28, 2008


About two years ago my friend did something so terrible that I could not forgive her for a very long time. What she did made me cry for a very long time. In fact, the occurrence made me question certain things and the decisions I have made towards them. I couldn't live with myself, or the decisions I had made prior to my knowledge of her actions.

Then Rosh Hoshanah came around- months (atleast 8) later- and it came time to ask for forgiveness in hopes of being inscribed in the "good" book. I knew I wouldn't be able to forgive her. I had no intention of discussing it with her nevermind the possibility of making myself feel guilty for something SHE did simply because I couldn't forgive her. I was terribly hurt and I wasn't about to forgive her just because it happened to be the season to forgive.

So I decided I'll just let things work themselves out. And this was a close friend who I happened to see all the time. So it wasn't so "far fetched" for me to think things would work themselves out.

Came Yom Kippur, and she still hasn't asked for forgiveness; Shmini Atzeret ended, and still no asking for forgiveness. So I just let it go. And I figured "screw it, I wasn't going to forgive her anyway"

And so I left it at that.

Then a few months later, I realized I let it go. I didn't care what she did, because I got over it. It was totally unrelated to my life and so while I didn't "forgive" her, I certainly lost interest, and had it been yom kippur, I probably would've forgiven her had she thought about asking. But at the time of yom kippur, only a few months earlier, I wasn't able to forgive her. So what happened?

Was I a cause of her possibly being judged towards the "bad" books side? Did Hashem know in advanced I wouldn't care in a few months, and so weighed it on the "good" book side? OR did it go towards the following years mechila?

What's the deal?


shoshi said...

What you say here sounds quite familiar to me. Someone hurts you, does not want to ask you for forgiving, it goes on hurting you through R"H and Y"K, and one or two years later, it suddenly disappeared.

And I also tried to make up before R"H and Y"K, and it just lead to more arguments.

So I think it is good idea just to let time do its work and let go...

Perhaps, in a later stage, it is possible to accelerate the process and let go more quickly.

But there are definitly some things you cannot deal with by speaking about it.

Jessica said...

I've been in that spot before. Forgiveness definitely is not easy, especially if it is never ask of you. Over shabbas I was reading chapter 6 of Maimonide's Hilchos De'os (and I'm actually planning on writing a post about what I read) and he spoke about hating a friend. He said that if you feel hatred toward a friend you need to talk to them about it and not hope it works itself out. I'm not saying you hated your friend, but I think it's the same gist here. I'm the same as you when it comes to these things. I just keep it in and hope the feeling will just go away, but apparently that's not what we're supposed to be doing. I know it doesn't answer any of your questions, and in the end doesn't really matter because you ended up forgiving her over time anyway, but I figure it's a nice d'var Torah.

Moshe said...

What I really wanna know is what she did.

frumskeptic said...

Shoshi- I AGREE. I couldnt talk it out. It made me more upset with her when I even thought about it.

Jessica-"He said that if you feel hatred toward a friend you need to talk to them about it and not hope it works itself out."

Couldn't talk to her about it. Even if I did, I doubt she would've understood what she did.

moshe- Well, bad stuff.

Moshe said...

Email, pretty please, it's gonna keep me from sleeping.

eety01 said...

I'm in that exact situation right now. one of my "close" friends, did something really wrong. right now i cant see myself ever getting over it, (it happened about 4 months ago, and im still going strong) but im sure in time, i will just like u did.

i wonder if she'll even ask for mechila before r"h/y"k

The Babysitter said...

Interesting question. I think it's psychological. That after the fact you didn't care as much. Like a parent could ask a child to clean their room for Pesach, and they just don't want to, it seems like a lot of work. But then a few months later they decide it is time to clean their room that it is becoming too messy and that it's not so hard after all.

Because there's no pressure, and it comes form yourself, it's easier.

frumskeptic said...

babysitter- It was a good 8 months before Yom Kippur came around. I highly doubt it had anything to do with pressure to forgive her. I just got over it after a few months because of all the other factors involved.

shoshi said...

There is one thing in what Rambam says: Of course you should not hate, but you should not shame your friend either, and I suppose I shamed her, so it just lead to more arguments. Sometimes, it's better to stay apart and that's it.

the sabra said...

May G-d grant u the most awesomest best year with only revealed goodness and forgiveness from all and to all. Yalla.