A few weeks ago Wolf discussed the issue of guys complimenting their dates. I read the two letters he referred to (in the Jewish Press and the Yated) and I thought the girls were nuts. I cannot fathom why a girl would reject a guy for complimenting her, especially on the 4th/5th date. However, I must be unique (they'd say I was desperate or had low self-esteem) because I like being complimented. Obviously if a guy whistles and says "wow, you're hot" at any point before its obviously at a comfortable stage, I'd be pissed, but generally, I cannot imagine getting annoyed or rejecting a guy for complimenting me.
Anyway, someone wrote a response to the guy who was rejected becuase he complimented his date. The response absolutely irritated me. This guy wrote an entire letter on how his therapist wanted him to respond to all the crazy issues going on in the Yated. After reading his response, I decided I needed to seek therapy. Maybe someone would remind me why I choose to remain frum. Anyway, here is the portion about the complimenting dates:
Last, but surely not least, was the letter by Z.F. who is upset about being dropped by a girl like a hot potato. He claims that although he did say something for which he definitely should have been dropped like said potato, it was not his fault, because the shadchan gave him bad advice. He is also upset that the girl did not say straight out why she dropped him.
Now, aout the girl not giving a reason, I cannot comment. We do not konw all the particulars of the case, so we would have to leave it for the Chinuch Roundtable, whose esteemed members are called upon each week to answer questions using unbelievableperceptiveness, as so little particulars are given. It might have been better for the girl to say exactly why she was saying no, but perhaps she had her reasons.
I do, however, wish to congratulate the girl with all my heart! It is about time that a Jewish girl had the pride and self-worth to say no to being treated badly. It is about time for our daughters to be brought home from dates at normal hours and to be treated like the bnos Yisroel they are. It is sad that girls are so desperate for shidduchim that they swallow being treated badly because they are afraid to be left without a shidduch.
He told her she looked nice. Seriously. WTH is wrong with these people? Is a girl desperate because she likes being complimented by the guy she's dating? Or is she desparate only if she gets engaged solely because his mommy told him to propose.
Rav Yosef Rosenblum specifically said that it is Hashem who takes care of our problems, and if He would see us display more basic Jewish values in the way we date, He would help us with our shidduch issue. As such, the title of last week's letter, "Causing the Shidduch Crisis" was somewhat ironic. The cause, as per stated Daas torah, is acting the way this boy said he acted, not the girl for calling him out.
Dating is no exemption from acting with the propriety and values we are all taught and (hopefully) brought up with. If a boy does not konw how to act comfortably with the opposite gender without ating loose, he is not any kind of Ben Torah, that's for sure. The same goes for girls, who can be guilty of this as well.
Seriously, this is about the time I realized I need to see a therapist. If telling a girl she looks nice makes a guy 'loose' I need serious mental reevaluation. My entire mindset is twisted into thinking that if he is a gentleman he probably WOULD compliment his date, especially by the fourth date in a world where getting enaged on date 6/7 is the norm.
We are, very sadly, experiencing a breakdown of some hallowed values in today's dating scene, and it is therefore all the more heartening to read of a girl who had the self-esteem and confidence to stand up for herself. Yes, there are many "well-meaning eitza gebbers" who tell boys and girls all sorts of notions taht they are "supposed" to do or say at any given time of the dating or engagement period. There is no excuse to listen to such people. IF one does, then he or she displays extreme lack of judgment, and that alone can be reason enough to say no.
Oy vey. I cannot fathom what kind of wacko this guy is. I would think a girl has low self-esteem if she thinks the guy is a perv for thinking she's pretty. A guy is allowed to think his date is pretty. He should think his date is pretty. Its a good sign there would be a second date.
This letter really made me nuts. I cannot imagine getting engaged to a guy not comfortable enough to compliment me and vice versa. I just cannot understand the logic behind this. I cannot imagine why girls have low self-esteem because they actually LIKE being complimented.