Monday, August 18, 2008

Rabbi's Ban Dating!

*My attempt at Satire*

The time has finally come when all girls can give off sighs of relief because shidduch dating has been banned. Infact, all forms of dating were banned. Why? Because dating was found to be the number one cause of divorce.

At a convention yesterday in Lakewood, 15 of the greatest Roshei Yeshiva got together in hopes of finding a cure for the divorce crisis that has flooded the community. They sat and scratched their heads, played with their beards and thumb-dipped over Gemara's for hours brainstorming, until it hit them, that dating was the problem.

The Rabbeim said that even under the restrictive system of shidduch dating guys and gals get to know each other well enough to have expectations in the marriage which isn't good because they lead to disappointments when they are not met.

The Rebbeim decreed that dating was a goyish concept anyway. They referenced the Torah, and decided that since our Imahos and Avos didn't shidduch date, there was no point for us to do so now. They said that it was time that we truly returned to the derech and have faith in the ultimate shadchan, and rely on Him and our parent's servants when it comes to shidduchim.

The poor people were outraged, for they had no servants, so the Rebbeim declared (this morning) that ma'aser will now be 20%, with 10% going straight towards the "Eliezer Shidduch Institute" which hires "Cananites" (or Mexican's in our case) to help aid the poor in finding shidduchim.

Once an "Eliezer" returns with a girl for a son, the wedding is required to take place within a month of meeting (any longer and expectations may form).

Rebbeim are hoping this no-dating policy works, and with the help of the Ribono Shel Olam, no expectations will be formed during the time of engagment.

26 comments:

Child Ish Behavior said...

The thing is the story of Eliezer has the Canaanite going across the river to get a long lost relative for Yitzchok to marry. I don't think the solution is to get Mexicans, the real biblical solution is to get cousins. Any expectations that you may have had could be worked out during the big family reunion.

frumskeptic said...

well, you'd need a mexican to cross the "river" and get relatives in LA and Israel and wherever else there could be Jews that are "cousins" lol. :-)

And all Jews are wack. Who keeps up with family reunions. I don't know any family that fully keeps in touch with all their relatives! And with separate seating at weddings, it aint gonna happen at those either, because the husband/wife will not recognize the cousin, and thats that.

Mexicans are the way to go :)

Child Ish Behavior said...

I knew there was a reason Jews vote democrat. if they all voted republican then your wonderful solution would run into a fence at the border.

Mikeinmidwood said...

They cant do that they are going to unemploy so many self appointed shadchanim and newspaper articles just for this shudduch dating. I'm for the resistance.(Can I still have my Mexican)

Moshe said...

Bwahaha, a Mexican Canaanite.
Priceless

DYS said...

This is funny, but I'm nervous that someone will see it, take it seriously and suggest it to the "gedolim" who will think it's a great idea.

Moshe said...

Hi, I'm calling from the Eliezer Shidduch Institute. Last year you were very generous with a donation of $18. This year, we're asking of you could give $36.

The Babysitter said...

FrumSkeptic: my brother already feels that dating is goyish, and he doesn't plan on dating, I dunno how he plans on getting married that way, but that's his theory.

But that's funny, another service the Mexicans can provide.

DYS: I seriously think its a great idea, I'm gonna recommend it. This way every person has their own servant looking out for them alone. While a shadchan has a million people they look for. So here with the servant its more one on one. Only problem is, that the Mexican, not being Jewish, won't know anything about what to look for to find the girl.

Moshe: but why would they need so much money if their paying Mexicans who get low wages.

Moshe said...

All those organization that call you asking for money, how much do you think actually gets to the cause?
According to US law, a charity organization is allowed to take up to 49% for internal costs. Jewish charity organization that are not regulated can be taking a lot more.

The Babysitter said...

Moshe: I remember one time it was in the news about charity organizations that were keeping a lot of the money. But I think Oorah was one of the best at using most of the money for the organization. But I never knew that they were able to keep money for themselves if their non for profit.

Moshe said...

They're non-profit so they're not making money but they're allowed to use the money for things like paying worker salaries, paying for rent, equipment, maintenance, etc.

Same with shuls. They're non-profit but they charge for seating and membership. There's also money collected at dinners at melav malkas. It's just that the money is used internally for things like rabbi's salary, paying cleaning people, bills.

The Babysitter said...

Moshe: ok, but that makes sense to use the money in that way, its still to help keep the organization running.

frumskeptic said...

Moshe: You're too funny. I didn't even think of the telemarketers. haha

dys, the Rebbeim aren't far from it. Read about my friend (what I wrote to babysitter below)

Babysitter: Your brother has a very good chance I tell ya,

one of my friends got married after knowing a guy for two days. She met his mom on a thursday, met him friday, met him again motzei shabbos and was engaged that night! Maybe your brother plans on going on that path.

Best of luck to him.

The Candy Man said...

LOL! You should read Catch-22. It's funny, too.

The Babysitter said...

FrumSkeptic: that sounds mighty exceptional. Lucky for them that it worked out great like that. I've never seen such a thing.

frumskeptic said...

babysitter: In her community this is common.

The Babysitter said...

FrumSkeptic: o, you mean like the Besho?

frum single female said...

this is funny, but i can so picture this happening.

frumskeptic said...

babysitter: Whats Besho?

The Babysitter said...

FrumSkeptic: I think that's the correct name for it. It's when the parents of both boy and girl meet in a room and talk to each other, and then the boy and girl have a chance to talk to each other alone, and then they decide yes or no.

frumskeptic said...

I don't think she did that.

She just said she met his mom, then him the next day.

The Babysitter said...

that's basically the same thing, I think. It's what Chassidish people do.

frumskeptic said...

I guess since she's chassidish that is what she did.

BUt the yeshivish community isn't far off. I have a few friends who were engaged after 3 weeks of dating.

I find it hard to grasp how one can be comfortable getting engaged to someone they only know for 3 weeks!!

The Babysitter said...

3 weeks includes how many dates? if their jam packed then they could equal however many months which is normal.

But then again with all the research done beforehand, then the only question is weather they enjoy each others company, and how long does it take to figure that out?

I mean even thinking about it with your own friends from school. How long did it take before you decided that someone will be your friend? It was probably even quicker than 3 weeks. It's something that you just know, I suppose.

Moshe said...

Time needed to decide if someone is your friend, half a liter. Time needed to decide if it's your soulmate, liter.

josh0 said...

That is a good satire piece. Thank you for sharing.

(I wish your story did not remind me of mass media news. I find it tough to decide whether the mass media is confused over what is news, or whether our world is turning upside-down.)