*My attempt at Satire*
The time has finally come when all girls can give off sighs of relief because shidduch dating has been banned. Infact, all forms of dating were banned. Why? Because dating was found to be the number one cause of divorce.
At a convention yesterday in Lakewood, 15 of the greatest Roshei Yeshiva got together in hopes of finding a cure for the divorce crisis that has flooded the community. They sat and scratched their heads, played with their beards and thumb-dipped over Gemara's for hours brainstorming, until it hit them, that dating was the problem.
The Rabbeim said that even under the restrictive system of shidduch dating guys and gals get to know each other well enough to have expectations in the marriage which isn't good because they lead to disappointments when they are not met.
The Rebbeim decreed that dating was a goyish concept anyway. They referenced the Torah, and decided that since our Imahos and Avos didn't shidduch date, there was no point for us to do so now. They said that it was time that we truly returned to the derech and have faith in the ultimate shadchan, and rely on Him and our parent's servants when it comes to shidduchim.
The poor people were outraged, for they had no servants, so the Rebbeim declared (this morning) that ma'aser will now be 20%, with 10% going straight towards the "Eliezer Shidduch Institute" which hires "Cananites" (or Mexican's in our case) to help aid the poor in finding shidduchim.
Once an "Eliezer" returns with a girl for a son, the wedding is required to take place within a month of meeting (any longer and expectations may form).
Rebbeim are hoping this no-dating policy works, and with the help of the Ribono Shel Olam, no expectations will be formed during the time of engagment.